Contents
Foreword
Introduction
Chapter 1
[Back to Books]
[Back to Brandt Publishing]
"Linda? Mark? Glad to meet you," I said, welcoming them. "What can I do for you?"
Mark looked at Linda; then Linda spoke up. "It's our marriage. I've been thinking about getting a divorce. "
Mark added, ''I noticed we were fighting more, but I didn't realize our problems were so serious until Linda mentioned divorce. Now that I think about it, I see that our problems began about four years ago, right after John was born. Linda decided to get a job--"
"It was your idea that I get a job," Linda shot back.
"Wait a minute," I said. "I am not really interested in what happened four years ago, or even four days ago. All I'm interested in is what you're doing now.'
"I thought we had to go over what our problems are. Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing?" Mark asked.
"Not in this office, it isn't," I responded. "Do you enjoy talking about your miserable past?"
"Certainly not," said Linda.
"Do you talk about your problems at home?" I asked.
"Sometimes," said Mark, "but it usually ends up in a fight."
"Does talking about your problems help you build a stronger, more loving relationship?" I continued.
"Are you kidding?" Mark replied. "We just get angry and start yelling at each other. It's lousy."
"Talking about it just makes us feel miserable,' Linda added. "It seems to make things worse."
"Do you think talking about your problems here would be any different? Do you think it would help?" I asked.
"No, I guess not," Linda said. "It just makes us more miserable. Yet we don't seem to communicate very well."
"What do you mean by 'communicate'?" I asked.
"Being able to talk without arguing," Linda answered.
"Then what would make it possible for you both to communicate calmly and reasonably without arguing and yelling at each other?" I asked.
"I guess that's why we're here," Mark said. "We need to find that out."
Linda and Mark seemed relieved that they didn't have to relive all their past misery.
"Well," Mark asked, "what do we talk about?"
"First, I'd like to get to know you two," I said. "How long have you been married?"
"Seven years next month," Linda replied.
"You mentioned a son, John. Are there any other children?" I asked.
"Yes, we also have a daughter, Beth. John is four and Beth is sixteen months," Mark answered. "We both wanted to start a family while we were young. Linda came from a large family and has always wanted kids. I was an only child and kind of missed having a brother or sister."
"How old are you, Mark?" I asked.
"I'm thirty," Mark replied.
"And I'm twenty-eight," Linda volunteered.
"What do you both do?" I asked.
"I'm an editor with a publishing firm," Linda answered. "The company allows me to do some of my work at home, and this has made it easier for us with the children. I go to the office only three days a week, and staying home saves day-care center costs. I'm also going to school one night a week, completing my work for a Ph.D."
"I write software," Mark said. "I used to have my office at home, but it just didn't work out. I also consult with a lot of small businesses, helping them to set up programs that will fit their needs. Often I'll customize a program to fit a business."
"Mark, how do you compare the importance of your business and the time you spend on it with the time you spend on your family?" I asked.
Linda and Mark looked at each other.
"That's part of the problem," Linda said. "Sometimes he works into the night and I don't see him. By the time he comes home, I'm asleep. He's never there to watch the children. In the morning I'm up and gone or busy around the house by the time he gees out of bed. "
"As you can see," Mark said, "I've just got a lot of work to do. And I get a lot of satisfaction from it. It's hard to answer your question. I love Linda and the children, but my work is very important. It's how I make a living. I would say that Linda is more important than anything, though. I sure don't want to lose her."
"Are you saying by this that you want to work at the marriage?" I asked.
"We're here, aren't we?" Mark said. "That's why we came.
" I want to hear that specific commitment from each of you," I replied. "I never assume anything."
I do," Mark answered. "I want to work at it."
I don't know," said Linda. "It's all been so terrible. We've been married seven years and I've been trying so hard and I just don't know if I can keep trying. Besides that, I'm just plain tired, exhausted. Mark, how do I know you're going to work at it? You said so before and we're still miserable."
"Linda," I interrupted, not wanting Mark to answer for fear of a possible argument, "all I am asking vou for is a two-month commitment. You have seven years in the marriage. Can you afford another two months?"
"I'm just not sure," she replied.
"Linda, forget about Mark for a moment," I said. "Is marriage still important to you?"
"Oh, I want to be married," Linda said. "It's the only way to live. I've always wanted a family. My only concern is whether Mark and I can make it together. I just don't know whether I want to work any more at this marriage."
"Well, what will happen if you decide not to work at it?" I asked.
"I guess that's something I don't want to face," she responded.
"And what will happen if you work at the marriage for eight weeks and things get better?" I continued.
"Obviously, I'd be a lot happier," she replied.
"And what will happen if you work at the marriage for eight weeks and things do not work out?" I continued.
"I guess I've at least tried . . . again," she said, with resignation in her voice.
"Which alternative looks the best to you?" I asked. Linda said nothing. "If you and Mark work at your marriage during the next eight weeks, I'll guarantee you'll both know then whether you really want to stay married."
"How do you know?" Linda asked. "Because of my experience with other couples," I said. "It's easy to commit verbally, but the real test of any commitmene is the actual experience of doing something that will create intimacy. This intimacy is something people can't tolerate unless they really want to be closer. If you put my ideas into practice, either your marriage will improve dramatically or it will become clear to one or both of you, through the increased intimacy, that you don't really want to work at building a loving relationship with your partner."
Linda turned to Mark. "Mark, are you sure you want to work at this? Do you really mean it?" she asked.
"Yes, Linda, I really want to work at it, and I do really mean it," he replied.
"Well, Linda," I asked, "are you willing to work at the marriage for eight weeks and then reevaluate how things are going?"
"Yes, I am," Linda replied. "Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes, I am very sure," she said.
"Then we've got some preparing to do in the next hour," I said. "Let's begin by looking at some of the ways we function as human beings, our needs and wants and how we satisfy them, and what makes us the way we are. From this you will get a better understanding of why we form relationships in the first place, why they deteriorate, and, more importantly, what is needed to rebuild them and make a marriage satisfying. "